It has been five plus years since COVID hit and changed everyone's life. Hey, before you dismiss it, read me out. We were unable to GO to work, interact face to face with folks not in our own family household, shop, and be generally social. Other people were your enemy, especially the ones who may cough and sneeze. They could, without even trying, give you a horrible death. You may end up rotting in a meat truck on a street somewhere. You could not bury your dead, have a funeral, celebrate holidays, have a wedding, or go sit at a bar and have a drink inside out of the weather.
Then things loosened up, and pretty soon, all the restrictions, enforced and self imposed, were able to be lifted. But that didn't mean things were ‘normal’, yet.
I stopped doing a lot of the things that make me MARILYN. When I played guitar and sang, it was only songs I knew well, basically to keep up my chops for gigs, and those were very few. I stopped cleaning the house as regularly, since no one came to visit. What were some pine needles on the carpet? No issue for me… The only yard work I did was mow what I had to, and that did not include weeding the gardens. I tried to have parties, and some early on were really nice, since everyone wanted to get out, do something a little different. As far as i know, no one ever got sick hanging at my house, and i did all i could to make sure… testing before coming, individually packed snacks, six foot distant seating. But soon, my invites begged people to rsvp, so if no one intended to come, I would not be sitting at home alone, waiting.
I stopped writing. What was there to write about? Very few blog entries and hardly any songs. I forced myself to continue ‘object writing’ most mornings, but that was not fruitful as a creative practice. I encouraged different zoom meetings… social and songwriting. That really likely kept me sane.
I started ‘studying’. I took online courses in guitar, songwriting, creativity, singing. Those made me feel like I was being productive, but did not actually lead to behaviors like practicing, lol. Learning became a substitute for DOING.
I recognized that I was developing a problem with anxiety. I would get anxious and that would literally use up my energy and then I would feel physically weak. I started meditating with a app and that did help keep me from falling into despair. But, I was not myself.
I lost my voice after my first bout with covid, and doing conditioning work on my voice did work. But… I read, and heard, over and over, do NOT sing without warming up. EVER. Well, I have been singing my whole life without warming up and without a problem, but I was scared now, after that covid thing. So… warming up became a big hurdle to singing.
Hurdles. Walls. These became prominent. Play guitar? nope, my fingers hurt from yesterday, and before i sing, i have to warm up. Songwriting? no ideas. And when they came, they fizzled.
I can't say when I think I started to heal and I am still on that road, but I realize now that I was likely depressed. I could find all kinds of reasons to deny it, and all kinds of things to do ‘instead’ of getting better. Sometimes being creative is a curse that way, lol…. creative avoidance!!! I do think I am on my way, though.
I think healing started when I realized musical ideas were scarce and not very good unless I was playing and singing a LOT. And… that old understanding about the importance of just DOING. I condensed my warm up and did it earlier in the day, OR just before practice, depending on how i expect the day to go. Then… play. Sing. magically, things started coming out of my mouth and my guitar that I had never heard. I am still not where I was with the writing in February 2020, but at least i am WRITING. I am playing new cover songs that strike up my interest (FIVE YEARS without learning a new song!!!). I am feeling the call of the guitar daily again, a feeling I didn't remember until I started feeling it again.
And the music moves me again, both singing/playing and listening to others. I am so grateful.
I started working in the yard again. I have made no big changes on the property, but the little things I have been doing, feel and look good. I realized the morning after spending a full day weeding my five small flower gardens, that I was sore, but it was a GOOD sore. I felt more alive. Happy even. And picking up the guitar felt like a reward for a job well done!!!
I had still been having parties, rarely, and I was lucky if I had 2-3 people show up. I threw one recently that had seven players!!!! We barely fit in Screendale, my screened in porch. The music was amazing. I felt good for days after that!!!
I suspect that I am not alone. I see numerous articles about battling loneliness, a great increase in clubs and gatherings of interest. People are talking to me about how difficult it is to get out of the house and attributing it to ‘aging’, but then telling me how much better they feel getting out!! Not old anymore!!!
Borrowing from Nike…. JUST DO IT!!!! You will feel so much better. If the old doesn't spark, try something completely new. Look into the library, they offer SO MUCH these days, from exercise to book clubs to singing groups, for young, old and everyone else. Take a class at the local high school or community college. Call an old friend and meet for coffee or a beer or a walk. It all will help you shake off the woes and increase your pleasure in living.
Be at peace if you LIKE not being social (for real, not just fear or laziness). But… go GET IT, what you want and need, if you DO like being social.
I am of the mind these days that music has always pulled people together. In ancient days, it helped people relax, told the news, and encouraged togetherness. Guess what… it STILL does. I think humans are as wired to respond to music as the birds. And, it is not just for folks who have reached a degree of proficiency, although we sure do like to listen to those folks. No, it is for all of us… pay attention to how you feel during a group sing…isn't it WONDERFUL?!?!?!
I hope you find your way, if you are still looking!!!!
And… I hope I find mine also!!!!
